People Pleasing Behaviors

People-pleasing is a common but often misunderstood pattern. One that can significantly influence our relationships, communication, and sense of self. In this month’s blog, one of our clinicians reflects on their own journey with people-pleasing; what it is, why it shows up, and how it can quietly shape our relationships. Their personal insight offers a compassionate starting point for anyone beginning to explore these patterns within themselves.

Joel Beltman, LLPC & his take on people-pleasing behaviors:

“I’d like to start with an admission: I am a people-pleaser. I have been since I was 15, maybe even earlier than that. I’ve had an interesting time in my first year as a licensed mental health clinician, as it’s made me confront some of my own bad habits that I see in clients. This has the unfortunate side effect of leaving me with no excuse for continuing to make poor decisions in my own behavior. But is it truly a bad thing to make sure the people around you are happy and taken care of? Well, there is a difference between doing good deeds for others and a potentially toxic pattern of people-pleasing behavior.”

What they are:

A people-pleaser is someone who will frequently forgo their own needs in order to meet the needs of another person (Psychology Today).

In practice, this could look like someone who is overly giving or compassionate, or someone who has a hard time saying “no.” When assessed, a people pleaser will frequently report low self-esteem. They may also lack skills in assertive communication or boundaries. In Beltman’s work, people pleasers have often come from family units that did not properly model conflict resolution or positive emotional expression. They may also have had family members whose love felt “conditional.” At their core, people-pleasing individuals consistently seek approval from others or work to avoid conflict with others. He most frequently interacts with clients whose behaviors are adversely affecting their intimate relationships. As such, most of the examples he references will be related to that topic. Just know that people-pleasing can extend to other forms of relationships as well.

Why are they appealing?

Many of Beltman’s clients who are people pleasers present themselves as heavily conflict-avoidant. His clients tend to engage in doing extra work for others, or they tend to avoid sharing important information with partners due to fears that it could spark conflict. Common statements include that engaging in these behaviors makes things “easier” as compared to the alternative of potential conflict. To put it bluntly, this is one of the logical fallacies of people-pleasing behavior. Many clients have learned, through some pattern of experiences, that doing anything to appease others and avoid conflict is the best way to handle themselves in a relationship.

Why they aren’t a good idea?

This is problematic for multiple reasons:

• This removes agency from the other person in the relationship
  • The people-pleaser is effectively stating that they know what is best for their relationship, but are only considering their own fears and/or insecurities. A well-adjusted partner will usually become frustrated if their significant other does everything for them
• The people-pleaser’s lack of confidence in assertive communication can lead to a lack of honesty in communication
  • If avoiding conflict is the primary goal, then what happens in the case of a disagreement?
    • In the case of Beltman’s clients and himself, the common answer is to hide thoughts or dissenting opinions for fear of conflict or rejection. He has begun using a phrase with these clients: “people-pleasing is the death of intimacy.” If you are willing to say anything to avoid conflict, then how can the people close to you trust that you are being completely honest with them?
  • The ability to demonstrate openness is an important part of building emotional intimacy, and that includes discussing uncomfortable or difficult topics.
• Nothing is ever truly solved by this pattern of behavior
  • It may feel better in the short term, but a people-pleasing individual will be faced with the constant challenge of working around difficult topics and appeasing their partner in order to maintain this status quo. This can also lead to bitterness developing in the people-pleaser, as they become aware of the fact that they are “stuck” in an unenviable situation, yet seem unaware of the role of their own actions in keeping them there.

The unfortunate result of Beltman’s experiences with people-pleasing is that you can save a lot of energy by being direct and communicating, even if what you have to say does not make the other person happy.

How can I stop?

People-pleasing behaviors are habits, which means they can change with practice. As you may recall, many of Beltman’s people-pleasing clients resort to these behaviors because they lack interpersonal skills such as assertiveness or boundaries. Practicing these skills with a therapist or a trusted other is an important step in gaining control of that fear. Communication is the bedrock of a strong relationship, and people-pleasing behaviors are frequently a barrier to open and honest dialogue. One should note that in each example provided, Beltman has been assuming that the people-pleaser is in a relationship with a stable, receptive partner who can constructively navigate conflict.

People-pleasing behaviors can also arise from low self-esteem (Psychology Today). Practicing self-compassion can help someone begin to connect with their own needs and wants, rather than focusing on everyone else. Consider reflecting on your values—What are the things that are important to you?

Knowing yourself and your values can better clarify where you can draw healthy boundaries.

• Are there specific triggers that activate your desire to help others, even when it’s inconvenient for you?
• Do you feel that your capacity to help others is all you have to offer other people?

Before you immediately jump in, ask yourself, “Why?”

• Are you motivated by an earnest desire to help someone out, or are you merely doing it so the other person will appreciate you?
  • Maybe the other person is capable of asking for help if they need it—this way, their sense of agency remains intact.

A Path Toward Healthier Connections

Breaking people-pleasing patterns takes courage, but it can lead to deeper connection and greater emotional freedom. You don’t have to choose between caring for others and caring for yourself. If you’re ready to explore that process, our team is here to support you every step of the way.